How Whiskey Got Made

Seven Steps to Making Moonshine
Don’t try this at home.
Use a friend's house instead.

• Grain
• Water

• Food processor
• Blender
• Spaghetti strainer
• Grammy's antique tea kettle
• Frozen turkey baster
• A friend's house
• Bottle of Clontarf Whiskey

Step 1: Grinding
For fifteen hours, grind the grain using a pestle and mortar. Or, use a food processor.

Step 2: Mashing
Add barley and water, mash until your hand turns several shades of blue. Or, use a blender. This process is called "sugaring the starch." The fruits of your bruised labor will be a mixture called "wort."

Step 3: Separating
Separate the wort by draining the liquid from your mash into a spaghetti strainer. Do not throw away the grains. These can be used to feed your dog or as a gentle exfoliate.

Step 4: Fermenting
Let your wort marinate in its own juice for 2-3 days. We call this fermenting. Don't drink it yet. It needs to be distilled.

Step 5: Distilling
Using your Grammy's tea kettle, boil the wort until the teapot shouts. As the vapor rises to the kettle's neck, use a frozen turkey baster to extract the condensed liquid. The frozen turkey baster will cause the vapor to condense faster. Don't drink it yet. Repeat this process two or three times.

Step 6: Aging
Place the distilled liquid into an oak cask. Do not drink it yet. Store the cask in the basement. Go to your neighborhood liquor store and purchase a bottle of Clontarf Irish Whiskey. Drink it responsibly. Wait at least three years to do any spring cleaning. Discover a random cask of whiskey in the basement.

Step 7: Tasting
If you didn't botch things up, you should have a whiskey halfway drinkable. If you did botch things up, go to your neighborhood liquor store and purchase a bottle of Clontarf Irish Whiskey. Drink it responsibly.